Cows Typing on Tour: An evening with Roberta

There comes a point in every tour's journey where you are holed up in a smaller than small town and you get excited because there is a McDonald's in walking distance for breakfast the next day. But once in a blue moon there will be a diamond in the rough where you can go and party the night away. In the town of Vandalia, OH where the highways are wide and the fast food joints a plenty, the Hot Air Balloon Lounge features karaoke for its bar guests. Now, the Hot Air Balloon Lounge is more hot air than a lounge. However there is only one thing that could make the night more memorable than a smoky pool bar playing karaoke in a small town. And that is a small town train wreck chick.

I come to the evening with Roberta. After Brynn belted her heart out on It's all coming back to me by Celine Dion and we were a few drinks worse for wear, a woman with an outfit that was strikingly similar to Brynn's approached her to point out that particular fact.

The woman's name...was Roberta. She had short blond hair that was sprayed to an inch of its life. Her makeup could have been entered into a 'Scarrier than Joan Rivers' contest and she must have had at least 10 face lifts to create that cling to your bones stretched skin look. But of course you could not miss the fake n' bake tan that stood out in the smoky bar. Although I'm just describing the finer points of Roberta's look, it was really her personality that was her winning trait.

As the evening progressed and curiously I saw at least 5 other bar guests give Roberta a beer and a shot (what shot I don't know) she became more rambunctious and obsessed with Brynn. At one point she pulled Brynn's forehead against her own, I was so afraid that Brynn may need some bodyguard action that I asked her if she was OK, Brynn nodded to me and allowed Roberta to whisper a prayer into her ear...via a vice grip. After she was told we were all currently living in NY she began her illogical and prejudiced rant about how she opposed the fact that 'they' were building a mausoleum a block away from ground zero (to which Kyle muttered "It's a mosque but hey - semantics."). Brynn being a logical person chided her by saying "Well, you can't blame an entire race for something that one group of people did." Roberta heartily disagreed on this fact.

After the heated debate ended there was more karaoke singing (I myself actually got up to sing a couple numbers) like Rachael singing the hit 90's classic 'Torn' or Brynn and Cameron singing 'Picture' as performed by Kid Rock and Sheryll Crow. I eventually became too tired to handle anymore Roberta antics (my confused state of being may have been because of the cocktail sized shot called the Thunder F*&% that Rachael made me chug right before I sang a Dolly Parton song) so I turned in for the night and sauntered back to the hotel room.

However the night was not yet over for the rest of the brave souls singing their hearts out over at the Hot Air Balloon Lounge. Everything from this point on are facts that I have heard from the cast. Rachael had complained that her hair was looking a bit kinky so Roberta, being the thorough bar hopper that she was, whipped out a travel size can of hairspray and sprayed her head so much that a jersey girl from the 80's would have been proud. I even heard that later on Roberta graced the karaoke stage with her dulcet tones and sang Landslide as performed by the Dixie Chicks.

The gang wanted to sing a group number but didn't know what to do. Luckily Tom the Karaoke DJ was there to suggest Summer Nights from Grease. Now, in a grungy bar in the Midwest one would think that a show tune would be a bit out of place, part of me thinks Tom just wanted to see what would happen if they sang that song, but they took to the idea like wildfire and ended the night with a marvelous albeit maybe slightly befuddled rendition of Summer Nights.

I look back on karaoke night with fond memories. I remember Roberta dragging us onto the dance floor. I remember Roberta yelling at us and dragging us back to the dance floor when we tried to escape. I remember Roberta picking Brynn up by the waist and lifting her into the air after she sang the duet with Cameron, I marveled at the strength of this strange petite woman. I remember Roberta saying as she showed us her tattoo "I am a woman of the Lord and if you'll look at the tattoo on my lower back you'll see my devotion to God". I remember seeing her tattoo and realizing it was an infinity sign made out of barbed wire that was circling a cross they has wings on either side to symbolize her Native American heritage...yeah.

But I also remember my jaw dropping when I heard Rachael sing a Jimi Hendrix song with flare and soul and I remember the bartender thanking us for coming in because it would have been a slow night otherwise.

So you see, there are many people across this great country who will be moved by the cast of Click, Clack, Moo but there was something about Vandalia, OH and Ms. Roberta who needed an especially large dose of Click, Clack, Fierce!

I leave you with some pictures of our karaoke night and of course the spitting image of Roberta herself, goodnight!